如何提高英语写作能力？

　　怎样修改一篇作文

　　On Writing Well 的作者 William Zinsser 认为，改写是写作至关重要的一部分(Rewriting is the essence of writing)。很少有人能一下笔就写出完美的文章，好作品都是经过无数次修改之后形成的。

　　这句话放在平时的写作练习也同样合适，修改是一个很重要的写作环节，在打磨一篇文章的过程中，我们能够学到很多关于用词、句式和逻辑的知识。每个人都应该学会修改作文。 一般来说，我们可以从以下几个方面着手对文章进行修改：

　　1) > 用词 > ：对照词典检查是否出现词不达意或用词冗余现象；

　　2） > 句式 > ：检查是否有语法错误，比如主谓一致，垂悬句式，时态问题等。对于冗余句子可以进行精简。

　　3） > 逻辑 > ：检查各个论点是否符合要求，论据是否充分有力，段落展开过程是否做到逻辑清晰。

　　为了更好地说明上述修改过程，我以最近修改的一篇学生作文为例进行分析：

　　这是一篇雅思作文，原始题目如下：

　　People believe that using mobile phones an computers to communicate make us lose the ability to communicate with each other face to face. To what extent o you agree or isagree?

　　原始作文版本如下：

　　We live in a worl where communication through state-of-the-art technology such as smart phone an computer is here to stay. Some people consier those wall-to-wall tools can harm our ability to communicate with people face to face. I concur with this opinion. I o believe phones an computers not only rob man of much time an room for face to face, but also reuce the level of people’s interpersonal communication skills.

　　The moern communication tools are going to make massive inroas into aily life, irectly reucing people’s time an opportunity for face to face. A most popular YouTube vieo—“I Forgot My Phone” is a case in point. The two-minute vieo begins with a couple in be. The woman stares silently while her boyfrien pays no min an checks his smartphone. The subsequent scenes follow women through a ay that is ownright ystopian: people ignore her as they stare at their phones uring lunch, at a concert, while bowling an even at her birthay party. The clip ens with women back in be with her boyfrien at the en of the ay; he is still using his phone. It neeles people about aiction to that little screen an suggests how a moern electronic gizmo nibbles away at people’s face-to-face time an chances. Smartphone an computer-obsesse culture also kill man’s skills on reaing non-verbal communication. Accoring to psychologist, 90% of communication between people is non-verbal. Such as the expression on face, boily gestures or tone of voice, to name but a few, can all show one’s feelings or thoughts to the other. However, if someone, ay an night, is glue to the screen of mobile phone for chatting an tweeting an, all the time, is marrie to virtual worls of computer for gaming an socializing, he will har to catch the subtle tone in employers voice, see parents’ expression as it changes from sa to outrage, an look partners in the eye to see if they are trustworthy. In fact, people heavily relying on screens an losing non-verbal communication coul give rise to suspicions, misunerstaning, even ivisions. In conclusion, I am convince that technology, especially computers an phones, is a goo servant but a ba master for communication. If people were continue to stare at screens, they woul have lost true face to face an even more than now.

　　这篇文章可以从下面几个角度进行修改：

　　用词

　　用词不当：

　　1) Smartphone an computer-obsesse culture also kill man’s skills on reaing non-verbal communication. kill 不能和 skill 搭配，此处可以改成 hiner/weaken, 后面的介词搭配也有误，不能说 skill on oing sth. 而是 skill at/in oing sth.

　　2) boily gestures 生造表达，可以改为 boy language

　　3）In fact, people heavily relying on screens an losing non-verbal communication coul give rise to suspicions, misunerstaning, even ivisions. 其中 heavily relying on screens 词不达意，这里要表达的意思是“对于过度依赖手机通讯的人”，句子可以改成 Heavy reliance on eletronic communication coul lea to misunerstanings.

　　4) I am convince that technology, especially computers an phones, is a goo servant but a ba master for communication.

　　其中 master 同样词不达意。 句子大意是“手机和电脑是好工具，但不利于通信”，这里建议直接写成 I am convince that smart phones an computers o more harm than goo when it comes to cultivating/eveloping/builing interpersonal skills.

　　冗余：

　　1) can all show one’s feelings or thoughts to the other… 其中 to the other 对于句意表达没有帮助，可以去除。

　　2）I o believe phones an computers not only rob man of much time an room for face to face, but also reuce the level of people’s interpersonal communication skills.

　　其中 interpersonal 本身就带有 communication 的含义，不能重复使用。整个句子可以改成 Phones an computers chew up our time an weaken our interpersonal skills.

　　此外，这篇文章的用词不够多样，例如 face to face 词组出现了5次，communication 出现了7次，phone 出现了10次，它们都可以通过灵活使用其他表达来替换。

　　句式：

　　1）结尾最后一句 If people were continue to stare at screens, they woul have lost true face to face an even more than now. 作者原本是想使用虚拟语气，但用法有误，这里并不是对过去的虚拟，而是一种假设：假如人们继续过度使用手机和电脑，他们就会失去当面沟通的能力。

　　句子可以改成 If people rely heavily on electronic communication, they will lose their ability to communicate effectively.

　　逻辑：

　　比起用词和句式方面的不足，这篇文章比较大的问题在于论证逻辑。 题干要求是论证手机和电脑是否削弱了人们面对面沟通的能力，作者对此持肯定态度，认为这些电子产品的过度使用会使人们的沟通能力下降。

　　文章论证过程是：在主体第一段指出手机目前占用人们大部分的时间，并且以 Youtube 上一个视频作为例证。但作者在这里并没有指出为何手机占用时间就会造成面对面沟通能力的下降，缺乏对两者的逻辑关系的说明。

　　正确的逻辑链条应该是：人们因为过度使用手机而造成面对面沟通机会和时间的减少，这种情况如果持续过长，他们就会因为缺乏训练而导致沟通能力退化。

　　在主体第二段，作者指出，目前在面对面沟通中，非语言沟通（例如面部表情以及肢体语言）占了很大比例。沉迷手机和电脑会导致人们难以理解这种非语言沟通形式，进而带来很多问题。 但此处的论证同样存在问题：为什么沉迷手机和电脑就会导致人们难以理解非语言沟通形式？

　　这里逻辑出现了跳跃，补全之后是：沉迷手机和电脑会使人们不愿意或很少有时间与其他人沟通，如果太久没有面对面沟通机会，人们这种理解非语言形式的能力就会退化，进而影响面对面沟通能力。把这一层意思表达出来后，整个逻辑链条才完整。 因此这篇文章改写的重点应该是理清逻辑，明确主要的论点论据。 现在我们重新思考一下这个问题：为什么手机和电脑的过度使用会导致面对面沟通能力的下降？ 除了上面提到的非语言沟通形式之外，手机和电脑还会带来下面这些影响：

　　1）很多人在使用电脑或手机聊天的时候很难保持专注，因为他们会受到大量的信息干扰（比如手机推送的新闻和游戏信息等）。

　　习惯了网络聊天的人注意力持续时间会变短，谈话的时候容易分心，这会对他们在现实生活中的交流造成障碍。

　　2）不少人习惯了在网络聊天中使用各种流行语和缩写，这种习惯也会被带到现实生活中来。这些网络流行语往往难登大雅之堂，使用过多会给人留下不好的印象。

　　综合以上分析之后，我们可以开始组织语言对文章进行改写了。下面是我改写的版本，文章没有使用模板以及大词难词，加粗的短语来自《地道英文写作进阶》一书：

　　改写版本

　　We live in a worl where smart phones an computers are here to stay . While new technology makes it easier for us to keep in touch with people from far an wie, it also risks weakening our ability to communicate effectively.

　　The proliferation of smart gagets coul in many ways hiner face-to-face communication skills. Start with non-verbal one. Accoring to psychologists, 90% of communication between people is non-verbal, i.e. facial expressions an boy language. It reveals one’s true feelings an thoughts that are har to convey through texting or sening voice messages. As people grow accustome or even get aicte to using electronic evices to stay connecte, they may shy away from social occasions where a certain egree of interaction is require, such as family meals an team sports. Therefore, they woul not be able to evelop the ability to rea between the lines,an this coul make them feel socially awkwar an place them at a isavantage in important events such as job interviews an business negotiations.

　　Moreover, phones an computers may change people’s conversational behaviour for the worse. Heavy users of such electronics often have a short attention span an are more likely to jump from topic to topic when an iea springs to min. As a consequence, they may become unfocuse an sietracke uring offline conversations. Internet slang also oes its bit. Toay, youngsters who text with abbreviate forms of wors ten to speak with the same acronyms an use internet catchphrases heavily. These forms of talking are often construe as flighty an uneucate, from which misunerstanings ensue.

　　In conclusion, I am convince that smart phones an computers o more harm than goo when it comes to cultivating interpersonal skills. For those who are marrie to the wizarry of electronic worl, turning off their igital gagets may be the first step in becoming an effective communicator.